Special' People
by Ayuka86
Summary: Seymour tells his opinions of Yuna's group of what he consiters 'special' people. Warning: major character bashing!
1. Sir Chocobo and Lady Stupidness

[_Special _People]

Disclaimer: I own nothing, damnit!

Part 1: Sir Chocobo and her Lady Stupidness

'Special' people are attracted to other, sometimes, 'even more special-er people'. It's an unwritten rule or something, I guess. Well, before I go on rambling like one of those 'special' people, I shall tell you what I am here to say.

First off, you may be wondering who I may be. I am Seymour Guado, former maester of Yevon and now bored inhabitant of the farplane. Second, my tale is about a whole group of 'special' people, all of which I shall describe to you from a 'non-special' person's point of view. I'm embrassed to say that these very people were the ones to send me to my current residence. My story is about a young summoner and her guardians, and oh, are they 'special'! This summoner's name is Yuna.

Today, I wish to discuss her and the guardian closes to her. I have decided to name this guardian--- who cares what his real name is--- Sir Chocobo ---come on, his hair is very reminiscent of a chocobo, for goodness sake! Sir Chocobo claimed to be from Zanarkand, a city which has been dead for nearly 1000 years. Personally, I believe he is the most 'special-est' person to ever exist and that is truly saying something.

For those of you who have not experienced the 'pleasure' of meeting this young man, he can only be described as a Cali-surfer dude who much resembles a chocobo and has been hit up-side his 'special' little head with a blitzball one too may times. Maybe it's just me but---hell, no it's not just me--- he is a first class moron! To think, Yuna chose him over ME?!

That brings me to my next point, the lady summoner herself, Yuna. She is the daughter of high summoner Braska who defeated Sin 10 years ago. I had the pleasure of meeting him on occasion and all he talked about was his precious little girl. I had finally gotten the chance to meet her personally and let me tell you, what a let down! Not only is she annoying, she's dumb as a rock---no, that's an understatement--- let's try, as dumb as a mountain! I know that sounds lame but she is! When ever she looks up at me with those blue and green eyes I just get the urge to hit her. Maybe a few knocks upside the head will do the girl some good. I shall let you in on a little secret; during our wedding---oh god, don't remind me, please---when she jumped off the edge of the building I only looked over the side to see if she hit the ground yet. Damn was I disappointed!

As for her other guardians, you shall have to wait until another day. There are so many things to say and so little time. Well, that's not true, I have all the time in the universe seeing as I have nothing better to do here in the Farplane. Join me again and I shall tell you of Yuna's cousin---yes I know, there are _more_ like her--- and the other bitz obsessed guardian of hers. The one with the vertical red hair, I don't remember his name. Farewell for now.

A/N: Yeah, I had nothing better to do in class than pick on characters. Flame me all you wish, I don't really care. If you want, I'll—well Seymour---will continue on. I planed on doing Rikku and Wakka next but after that it'll get hard. What to write about Lulu and Auron? Maybe I can write about Braska and Jecht or something. Oh well, whatever.


	2. Little Miss Sugar Rush and Sir Dumbass

Special People

Disclaimer: I own nothing, damnit!

Part 1: Little Miss Sugar Rush and Sir Dumbass

'Special' people are attracted to other, sometimes, 'even more special-er people'. It's an unwritten rule or something, I guess. Well, before I go on rambling like one of those 'special' people, I shall tell you what I am here to say. Also, as a gester of thanks for listening, I give to you advice. It is up to you if you listen to it or not but please heed my warning, don't mess with large groups of stupid people unless you have a very BIG gun or something!

Today, I wish to discuss her lady summoner's cousin and her blitzball obsessed guardian.

I shall start with the Lady Stupidness' family. I believe the girl's name is Leak-ku or something along those lines. She is an Al Bhed. She is a very HYPER al bhed---like they're not bad enough---though I only say this due to the fact that they not only spawned this 'creature of mass destruction' or 'mass hyper-ness' whichever floats your boat but her mildly—scoff—retarded cousin Yuna as well. They all deserve to die horrible deaths, say I!! Anyway, to get back on topic, this little terror is the daughter of the leader of the Al Bhed---oh great, more stupid people with power. But, thinking back on all the battle between them and myself—and were there many!---I believe the very worse weapon this unholy child possesses is her voice. Dear Yevon, make it stop!! The very thought of it gives me homicidal tendencies---oh wait, I had those before. Anyway, she is the most annoying child you could have the displeasure to ever meet.

On another note, there is the other male guardian---the one with the flaming orangey-red hair. He is just plain stupid. I have named him Sir Dumbass ---I just love coming up with nicknames for people! This man is OBESSED with 2 things. I know not which he loves more, Blitzball or that god founded "ya?" of his! He ends every phrase with it. By this I mean he could probably even end the phrase "huh?" with it, although I think it sounds absolutely absurd. "Huh,ya?" One thought crosses my mind whenever I hear that voice 'Kill---preferably using a blitzball.'

As for her other guardians, you shall have to wait until another day. There are so many things to say and so little time. Well, that's not true, I have all the time in the universe. Join me again and I shall continue my tales of 'special people'. Farewell for now.

A/N: Sorry that was so short. I don't know who to do next! What to write about Lulu and Auron? Help me, please! Is there anyone in particular you want to see bashed? HELP!!


	3. Queen of the Plushie Kingdom and Sir I r...

Special People

Disclaimer: I own nothing, damnit!

Part 3: Queen of the Plushie Kingdom and Sir. I refer to self in 3rd Person

'Special' people are attracted to other, sometimes, 'even more special-er people'. It's an unwritten rule or something, I guess. Well, before I go on rambling like one of those 'special' people, I shall tell you what I am here to say. Also, as a gester of thanks for listening, to you I give a cookie.

Today, I wish to discuss two of her lady summoner's other guardians. First I shall tell you of the last of her lady summoner's female guardians, who I have named the Queen of the Plushie Kingdom. For beginners, let's start with her name, both her given name and my name for her. My name for her is spawned out of her obsession of stuffed moogles, cactars, and the like. Her celestial weapon: the Onion Knight. If that does not have "I HAVE ISSUES" written all over it, I do not know what does. As for her given name, I believe it to be "Lulu" (like that doesn't say something about her) and her area of expertise is black magic. Yes, my sentiments exactly. I suppose the only thing I can say regarding this would be, 'Don't piss her off.'—thought that would be hard, considering her cold personality and intolerance of annoyances.

Moving on, let's examine her physical appearance. She is obviously into gothic style clothing and bondage—just look at that skirt she so enjoys wearing. Next is her expansive cleavage which is hardly covered up. Here is my explanation as to why: to distract fiends and male enemies! She practically flashes the group whenever she moves.

Next we shall examine her lady summoner's Ronso guardian. He is rather small for a Ronso, has a broken horn, and dresses funny even for a Ronso. This creature's name is Kimahri. We all know this to be truth due to the fact that this Ronso often speaks in the third person such as, "Kimahri believes Yuna more strong than Kimahri."—that is when he decides to speak. For heaven's sake, we know your name damnit! For the good of all parties involved, I have decided to name this being Sir I refer to self in the third person, or as he would probably say it, "Kimahri call Kimahri Kimahri.".

As for her other guardian, you shall have to wait until another day. There are so many things to say and so little time. Well, that's not true, I have all the time in the universe. Join me again and I shall continue my tales of other 'special people'. Farewell for now.

A/N: Sorry for the long wait and shortness of the chapter but I wanted this to be some what decent. Oh yeah, apologies to a Mrs. Tara Strong (voice actress for Rikku). I don't hate you or anything but it's just that sometimes (I don't know if it was because of the lines or something) but she was just plain annoying. I have nothing against you personally or anything, k? Also, thanks for all the great reviews and ideas, I couldn't have done this with out you. Shout out to Anasazi Darkmoon!


	4. Mr I DON'T Have a Problem, Mr I Give a N...

Special People

Disclaimer: I own nothing, damnit!

Part 4: Mr. I-DON'T-Have-a-Problem, Mr. I Give a New Meaning to Dysfunctional, and Lord of the Dress…

'Special' people are attracted to other, sometimes, 'even more special-er people'. It's an unwritten rule or something, I guess. Well, before I go on rambling like one of those 'special' people, I shall tell you what I am here to say. Also, as a gesture of thanks for listening, to you I give you this cute one of a kind plushy of a cactar—or is it a tonberry, I'm not really sure. It's green, deal with it.

Today on our guardian roast, we take a look at her lady summoner's father and his two guardians. I had the pleasure of meeting these people on many an occasion in my youth and even in my early adulthood. Lucky me. Anyhow, we will first examine the so-called legendary guardian Auron, who I have named Mr. I DON'T Have a Problem. By definition, or at least mine, a problem is something that a person would have no control over and instead is vice versa. What is this problem, you may be wondering. Well, to be blunt, this man's problems are alcohol, deeply seeded issues manifested in a violent temperament and need for an over-sized sword, and probably constipation. Come one, how else do you explain his grudge on all that exists? It's not like his an UNSENT or anything! They are all a spiral of booze, anger, and more booze…

Next, we shall look at Auron's fellow guardian to her lady summoner's father, Jecht. I have come to call this idiot Mr. I Give a New Meaning to Dysfunctional due to the rumors I have heard about his treatment of his family (from a certain two other guardians), property of others, and over all existence. I have even heard that he abandoned his wife and son to become Sin, though I hear that they maybe more than meer rumors. Whatever the case, this man does give a new meaning to dysfunctional.

Finally, we touch upon the subject of her lady summoner's father, the not so great lord Braska or as I have so affectionately come to know him as Lord of the Dress, a variation on another not so pleasant or politically correct name for him. I am well aware of the ideas circulating concerning my choice in clothing as well as my sexuality, but this man has even me topped! Look at his robes, do they not scream cross dresser! At very least they yell "I molest something or another under these things in my free time." For this I am afraid, very afraid, so I end it here. For the love of all things good and fluffy, we shall end it here for today. Perhaps, we shall continue tomorrow, perhaps not, this I do not know, but rest assured that whatever the outcome, these people are and will always will be SPECIAL PEOPLE.

A/N: Well, these are all of Yuna's guardians so logically that would mean that the story is over—OR IS IT! MWHAHAHA! Next are Seymour's views on anyone else I can think of: probably Yunalesca and even Maechen (isn't that a type of ramen?). If you can think of anyone else and remind me some savory moments to bash I would be happy to oblige. Hey, if worst comes to worst, there are always the Aeons!


	5. Special Chapter An Aeon Flux

Special People: 'Special' Chapter

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

A/N: Dedicated to Anasazi Darkmoon

Part 5: An Aeon Flux

I suppose it must be some horrible unwritten rule passed through out the generations. It clearly states, 'Special' people must and will be attracted to other, sometimes, 'even more special-er people'. Until now, I have been telling you tales of some of history's most 'special' people, but today I will end my memoirs with a short rant on the 'special' creatures know to Spira as the holy Aeons.

Through out the world of Spira, there are eight identified and accredited Temples spewing the teachings of Yevon. I will not go into my opinions or feeling towards this teaching for two simple and hopefully obvious reasons.

From these Temples, Summoners (if considered worthy, which almost all seem to be, considering Lady Stupidness) seek the assistance of those called Aeons.

The first stop on almost all Summoner's journey is on this isle of Besaid, where upon completing the excruciatingly simple cloister of trials, a summoner will gain their first Aeon: "Big Bird"

"Big Bird" can best be described as a large multicolored bird with the deformed body of a naked woman. Considering Yevon's policies on half-assed political correctness and censorship, one would not expect such a creature to be accepted as appropriate.

After visiting Besaid, Summoners next travel by sea to Kilika Island, prayer ground to Blitzball players world wide. Here, Summoners can enlist the aid of he who shall be called "Fido" the beastly fire Aeon. Like in my before stated sentiments towards "Big Bird", after seeing "Fido", I am forced rehash my opinion on Yevon's censorship policies. You see, "Fido" is almost completely naked except for a patch of fire (?) at his crotch. What. The. Hell? No pun intended…

Moving on, after Kilika, Summoners travel to Djose temple to pray for the aid of the thunder Aeon, who I have come to nickname "Sparky". Unlike with some of the other Aeons, I really do not have much against this particular creature except for his striking resemblance to a "My Little Pony" figure I had as a child. Ah, memories…

Our next example has to be the epitome of Aeon Specialness. After Djose temple, summoners journey to Macalania Temple, my temple. Now, I know you that after I say what I have to say about the following Aeon, you are going to question my sexuality more than ever, BUT I assure you that I had no part in the creation of this Aeon or hand in the form it takes.

To understand what I am to say, I shall give you some background information. The Macalanian Aeon's real name is Shiva. Shiva was originally a male. Look it up. Yet, when this Aeon, who I termed "She-man" appears to assist a summoner, it take a form that is clearly a female. A scantily clad female, in fact.

Please understand, I have no problem with such people who decided against their birth gender, but once again, this is Yevon's work we are talking about. Yevon: the anal uptight hard asses with questionable and too easily changing—though I admit that most of the time it is in my favor—policies. Please tell me you agree, or I will be forced to hurt you.

The final 'official' Aeon is found in the citadel of Bevelle. As of now, I am unable to come up with a suitable name for this dragon Aeon, but I do have a few words about the Fayth who creates him: size and self visualization issues. That's all I need to say.

After gaining the aid of these five mandatory summons, Summoners are given the choice of searching for and applying for the aid of three additional summons.

"Yoncheapo", a summon you need to pay for. How lame is that? One would think with the rates he dictates, he would be found in something slightly more glamorous than a hole in the ground. And besides, what does an Aeon need money for?

"The Mosquito Sisters", a set of three bug sisters who are pretty much useless if separated.

"Anima" also known as "Mom".

These—with the exception of Anima, of coarse—are the 'special' Aeon summons used by Summoners to defeat the un-defeatable Sin. With those things said, I will end my stories for now and maybe we shall continue one day, perhaps not. These I do not know, but rest assured that whatever the outcome, I will be here in the Farplane, waiting for those who wish to know the stories of those who are and will always will be SPECIAL PEOPLE.

Or in this case, SPECIAL AEONS

* * *

A/N: So that pretty much ends it.

Also, I just want to say I have no problems with Trans-genders, Transvestites, Gays, or Lesbians what so ever. I was just trying to bring up the fact that the original god Shiva was a guy yet always made a woman in the series.


End file.
